How Can A Man Survive A Divorce

No matter how tough his facade maybe, a man also suffer and feel pain when the woman he once shared the bed with, held hands for long and bore his children suddenly announced that she wants a divorce. The pain does not usually come from the fact that he is about to lose her but more as a result of a bruised ego. A man is most hurt when he feels rejected, of not being loved anymore by the one person he expects to love him in return in all aspects. He can be very devastated before, during and after the divorce. What can he do during these period?

Just Let Go. It will be hard to put away what was comfortable to have or to lose what you feel is a vital part of your existence. But just like a book, one chapter needs to close for a new one to be opened. Cut anything that ties you with her and start thinking about your own survival and rebuilding your life.

Do Not Be Afraid To Feel The Pain. To feel pain means you are a normal human being. Think that your hurting comes from something that can be healed over time, just like a wound. Given the necessary care and right medicine, it will heal. And so will you.

Denial is a Part of Recovery. The road down total recovery will not be easy and you will find yourself denying the fact that this is happening to you and may even pretend that everything will just go back to normal. Part of denial is anger. Not so much towards her but on yourself. You will start questioning yourself if you were a good husband and review every minute of every day of your married life looking for loopholes, of where you did wrong. Denial is a normal part of your recovery. But make sure it doesn't stay long. It should be gone in a few months and by then you should notice that you have accepted the fact that your marriage is over.

Do Not Dwell on Guilt Feelings. No one is perfect. A marriage involves two people and marriages fall apart because of these two people. Accept your own shortcomings and learn from them.

Believe That You Can Recover. It will take you about two to three years before you can completely recover. You have to go through the stages of denial, anger and acceptance before you finally experience the healing process. During this period, be patient and believe that you are going to the right direction.

Rebuild Your Self-Esteem. Making yourself feel good is one important step for you to take after divorce. And there are many ways to move to this direction. You may join a sports club, buy a new suit, go someplace for a vacation, meet new people. You might date sometime, have brief sexual encounters. The person you will go out with during this period is sometimes called "transitional partner". They are the "special girlfriends" that eased a divorced man through the trauma. They are there when needed, satisfying your sexual hunger, they listen, sensitive but not demanding. They are handy. But do not make the mistake of jumping on a new marital relationship too soon before you are even ready. Remember, you are just in a transition.

For the total healing from the trauma of divorce to take place you have to understand the injury, apply the right medicine, and allow time to do its part .

What I Did for Love...That I Wish I Didn't

And if my father were alive today, he would have killed me for discovering that his daughter compromised her future all in the name of what he called "stupid love" .

I was born poor. My parents sent me and my brother to college through sweat and tears. I took up Accounting. My parents believed that passing the CPA board will alter my destiny.

Months before graduation I started dating an Architecture student 7 years my senior. I thought then that older men treat their women like babies. They make you feel loved all the time. He was everything my parents didn't like. He is Thai, a Buddhist. We are Filipinos and die hard Catholics. But I could have converted him into the faith if not for his father. He smoked only God knows how many packs a day. He drank alcohol. He came into the house wearing shorts. It was cool to me. I didn't expect him to come in a suit after all. What's so wrong about that? They said it was a sign of disrespect.

He was every inch my dream man not to mention the vices or whatever evil that was lurking inside him. Tall, wavy hair, deep seated eyes, bronze skin, broad chest. The more my parents hated him the more I was drawn to him.

After graduation I went to Manila for a 6 months review before the actual exam. Away from the prying eyes of my folks, we became free to see each other after classes. It was all going smooth when I noticed something was wrong. I saw cigarette burns in his arms, a sign that he was hurting himself. He was clinically sick but of course he denied. Then, he tried to raped me.

After his failed attempt I never saw him or heard of him again. I was not ready to end the relationship. I waited for him and was ready to forgive. I'm just too glad now that he didn't come. I might have given up everything.

The day of the exam came and I was still devastated. I was looking at my test papers but my mind was somewhere else. I flanked and I lost the future that my parents wished for me for something that I believed was love.

My father was no longer around the day I got married to the man who is basically a little short of my standard - 11 months younger than me, straight hair, just a few inches taller. But I adore him and love him like no other. And for the love of him I did stupid things again. But that would be for another post.

How To Make Your Wife Respond To Sex

By failing to create an atmosphere in which his wife can respond, a man can deprive himself of the sexual pleasure that is important to his happiness. He may wonder how she can say that she still loves him and yet deny him what he wants and needs most. But when things are out of balance in the sexual department, the husband might well look to himself, for there are not so many lukewarm and frigid wives as there are husbands who fail to meet their needs.

The Art of Foreplay
Women commonly complain that their husbands do not spend enough time preparing them. Some do not feel prepared at all. Such women often insist that they feel like prostitutes. Yet a little romantic tenderness throughout the day and a little more time at night would make all the difference in the world. During foreplay a couple should engage in love play that both enjoy. The key is mutual enjoyment, and a couple can experiment with a great variety of pleasurable lovemaking experiences. Dr. Herbert Miles, a well-known Christian authority on sex, gives the following sound advise regarding foreplay: "In interpersonal relationships in the community and society, modesty is a queen among virtues, but in the privacy of the marriage bedroom, behind locked doors, and in the presence of pure married love, there is no such thing as modesty. A couple should feel free to do whatever they both enjoy which moves them into a full expression of their mutual love and in sexual experience."

Need For Self-Respect
A woman needs respect from her husband for the way she meets her daily responsibilities. A man gains this respect through job promotions, pay raise, annual evaluations, bonuses and praise. But a homemaker has no one from whom to get such encouragement except from her husband. The unhappiest and sexually unresponsive women in the world are those who must drag through day after day with no understanding from their husbands of what it takes to run a home and to raise responsible children.

Hired Help
A man might also check into a little hired help with the big jobs - washing the windows, striffing and waxing floors, shampooing carpets. Such has many rewards but the best of it is a less fatigued wife at night.

Don't Demand Your Wife to Achieve Orgasm
A woman does not have to achieve an orgasm every time in order to enjoy sex. Many women can participate in sexual relations, not achieve orgasm, and yet feel fully satisfied, even though they enjoyed no ecstatic climax. Never should a husband demand that his wife achieve an orgasm. She might lose interest in sex altogether, or she might begin to fake orgasm. One doctor said, "Once a woman begins to bluff in bed, there is no place to stop. Forever she will make her husband think she's on a prolonged pleasure trip when in fact her car is still in the garage."

Understand Female Sexuality
What turns men on is not what turns women on. A glimpse of that thing between your thighs rarely sexually arouse her. A woman needs to hear words and to experience feelings before she can respond in the bedroom. Men should realize that the lovemaking atmosphere starts when he jumps out of bed in the morning - not when he jumps in at night. Little attention, kind words, concern for her, touching, set the mood for her. Any husband who thinks he can merely walk into the bedroom and expect his wife to "turn on" with no preparation doesn't understand female sexuality.

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Excerpts from the book The Compleat Marriage
by Nancy Van Pelt